abetterlie: (Default)
[personal profile] abetterlie
Wow. Is that supposed to be a trick question? I mean, define "biggest", "mistake" and "relationship". "Big" as in had bad results for the relationship? The other person in the relationship? Me? The rest of the world? And mistake as in "wrong informed decision" or the "if I only had known..." kind or whatever? Is "relationship" a romance only thing or not?

I'm going with not, I guess. And I don't know about biggest, but it definitely was the worst. I think. See, I'll never know what other people saw when they looked at Jasmine. Except that whatever it was, it couldn't have been what she looked like to me, because when they didn't see it anymore, they freaked out and hated her. And she knew that would happen.

But what she didn't know was that I had seen it all the time. She tried to keep it a secret from me, too; that's why she didn't tell me why she had to hide Cordelia, or how Fred had managed to infect change Angel. She must have believed I would hate her too, that she needed her power with me, and she never did. She was my daughter.

So - if I had told her. I mean, it took me a while to figure it out, that the way I loved her wasn't the way everyone else loved her, and that they saw something different, when they looked at her, but I did figure it out. I didn't tell her. Really, I didn't want to be different from anyone else around her. I wanted to be part of all that, that perfect peace and happiness everyone else was feeling, and I thought if I faked it long enough, I would be. I'd have done anything to make it true.

Here's what I should have done instead. I should have shown her that I didn't love her because I had to, that I could make my own decisions no matter what she said, but that this had nothing to do with not loving her. She only knew those two states, you see. Either people worshipped her, or they hated her and turned against her, like Fred had done the moment she got in touch with Jasmine's blood.

When she sent me to capture Fred, Angel, Wesley and Gunn. That's when I should have done it. I should have said: No. Let them go. And let us go, you and me. Let's leave Los Angeles together, we can change the world much better if we travel through it, much better than if you rule it, and I'll be there for you. You don't have to -

Anyway. Perhaps it wouldn't have worked. She was a Power that Was long before she became my daughter. Perhaps worship was the only form of love she could have understood, and the whole free will thing wouldn't have mattered to her. But the point is, I should have tried. And I didn't.

Instead, I lied to her and everyone else until it was too late.

Date: 2007-03-27 09:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
You shouldn't beat yourself up over might-have-beens. What is, is; just, you know, take the lessons you can and move on.

So, anyway, Kara tells me you have a drug problem?

Date: 2007-03-28 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
I had the problem of inhaling some kind of weird gas along with everyone else who was at Harry's birthday party when some psychos from the local asylum crashed it. The cops said it was made by some guy named Crane when they handed out antidotes later. Look, no offense, but what happened doesn't concern anyone but Kara and me.

Date: 2007-03-28 07:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
I'm sure you believe that.

Crane, Crane, I know-- Oh, that Crane. Fear gas! Nasty piece of work as psychoactive stimulants go and -- you thought Kara was a vampire?!

Date: 2007-03-28 08:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
I'm kinda impressed that you get dosed with fear gas and only manage typical, boring, sibling stuff. (Well, typical for your family context, anyway.) Standard neuroses! By modern American standards, you're relatively well adjusted.

Date: 2007-03-28 09:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Does that mean you got dosed with fear gas as well and have experience that way, or do you specialize in chemistry or something?

Date: 2007-03-28 09:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
Uh, I'm familiar with equivalent concepts? I mean, I've never actually experienced Crane's particular version first hand, but fear attacks are a standard weapon in psychic combat and there are numerous beasties who naturally excrete stuff with the same effect. Mostly they seem to live in swamps, I dunno what that's all about.

Although I do know a bit about biochemistry, mostly because Dr. McCoy likes to talk out loud, and then I have to go look stuff up to work out what the hell he meant -- I don't really sleep much and I like to read a lot. Plus, psychic! So that helps.

Crane's actually been published quite a bit; I could get some of his work if you're interested? The X-Mansion has back issues of practically every science journal ever.

Date: 2007-03-28 12:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
I'm not a scientist, so I probably wouldn't be able to understand them. But it would be great if you could forward them to Peter Parker in New York. Just in case the guy - Crane, not Peter - decides to practice there, or something.

Date: 2007-03-28 01:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
Sure, no problem.

And, hey! At least it wasn't sex pollen!

Date: 2007-03-28 01:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
...there is sex pollen? No, wait, I don't want to know.

Date: 2007-03-28 01:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
There is totally sex pollen and you really don't want to know.

Also, I'm kinda mad at you for stabbing Kara? But, also, mitigating circumstances and I'm pretty sure you feel guilty any way, so, no shouting; I figured that went without saying, but apparently I was supposed to say it, so, there you go.

Date: 2007-03-28 01:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Noted, and also noted to the second. You could shout anyway, you know; I think it would work better for Kara.

Date: 2007-03-28 01:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
Seriously, though, did you guys take weapons to a birthday bash? 'cause that's all kinds of fucked up right there.

Date: 2007-03-28 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Define weapons. No knives, guns and so on, if you mean that. Well, the uninvited crazies from Arkham had those... But you can make pretty much anything into a weapon if you're motivated enough. And have the practice.

Date: 2007-03-28 02:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
That's ... no, actually, this still fucked up, it's just fucked up in a different way.

Dude! What is up with Arkham?! Have you looked at their records? They lose inmates all the time! Ooh, which, segue to other rant: you have a public birthday bash for rich people, you should have much better security. Especially in Gotham! Gah!

Date: 2007-03-28 02:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Talk to Bruce Wayne about it. He organized the whole thing.... okay, that's unfair, he couldn't have known this would happen, and Harry told me Bruce talked him out of killing someone later, so.

Arkham: yeah, I've checked their records now. No kidding. I don't know why they don't close the place down and send the criminally insane to other prisons with better security.

Date: 2007-03-28 01:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com


You didn't even tell him off a wee little bit.

You know what? You ARE a bad friend.


I don't need this crap!

Date: 2007-03-28 01:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shaman-x.livejournal.com
I'm sorry, I got sidetracked by the fear gas revelation.


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