Mommy

May. 13th, 2007 06:37 pm
abetterlie: (Quirky by Ithica)
[personal profile] abetterlie
Mere stopped calling her that when she was three, because I didn't anymore, and she wanted equal sibling rights. Which was totally a Mere thing to do, even at age three. Mom looked sort of wistful. That day, Dad guilt tripped me into calling her "Mommy" again so Mere would have to a while longer, but Mom was on to him and said to stop that nonsense and that she was very proud her children were growing so fast.

So, either none of that happened, or those are someone else's memories they implanted in me; I don't try to think about that too hard, because that means that someone must have died, too. Either way it didn't happen to me. I never called her Mommy, and I wasn't there when her daughter Mere stopped doing that, either. But you know, it doesn't matter. Because here's another memory, just a few years back. After I had killed Sahjahn and gotten my memories back, we left Los Angeles again. I had still some vacation before the next term started, and I was going to spend it at home. Except the moment I entered our home, the moment I saw some family photo, all of us on a beach, me at age 5, it hit me, the reality of it. I was at Quortoth at age 5, learning to kill. And just the past night, I had killed again, some demon who told me I made a good case for free will versus predestination. And I had seen - that's how far I got when I had to throw up.

Now, Mom and Dad had zero idea about the killing Sahjahn thing, let alone anything else. I had told them I had done tests all the night at Wolfram and Hart's, because of the newly discovered superstrength, and that I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I didn't even hesitate before lying to them the moment I saw them again, which I guess says something about me. And while I didn't have any idea yet what I was going to do with two different lives in my head, I knew they couldn't find out. (Make that: I didn't want them to find out. I didn't want them to look at me and see a psycho killer instead of their son.) So here I was, throwing up for no reason as far as they knew, and I had been hyper and cheerful just the moment before. Dad had just spent the night patched up by doctors and dosed with tranquilizers. Mom had spent it at his side, so probably sleepless. Plus no matter what I said to them, of course they were still worried; they were parents. They had been worried since I got run over by a van and had recovered. And did I mention they had nearly been killed by some thugs of Cyvus Vail's early on in the night? Demons?

Mom, Colleen Riley, wasn't a demon fighter. She wasn't a champion. She wasn't anyone's destiny girl or prophecy child, and no special messenger ever came for her. But she didn't have a nervous breakdown. She didn't slap me or shake me; she didn't ask what the hell was going on. She just went to the kitchen, got a wet towel, cleaned my face, and sat with me on the steps in front of our house, silent, her arm around my shoulder.

That was when I knew it didn't matter whether one set of my memories was mostly fabricated. Whether I had ever seen her before the day of my high school graduation - which hadn't happened, either - or not. She was Mom, and I loved her.

I still do.

Date: 2007-05-14 10:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
She wasn't, though. She was great. I just wish I'd have had the guts to just tell them the truth. You were right back then.

Date: 2007-05-14 10:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

You never made the post you were supposed to. >:-O

Date: 2007-05-14 10:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Kara, the definition was "recently". If you strike the recently, I can write a post. Is it okay with you if I mention going as Darla and the Master in Vegas, or should I lock that for your eyes only?

Date: 2007-05-14 10:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

... Wow. You're as harsh as Buffy.

Date: 2007-05-14 10:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
What was harsh about what I just said? Women are so from another planet. And what did Buffy say? Last time I checked she offered to kick my ass for staking you at Harry's party.

Date: 2007-05-14 10:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

She said I hadn't done anything to make her smile recently. No one likes me at all recently! It's really disturbing. No wonder I'm a Nigel of the no friends.

Date: 2007-05-14 10:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Who the hell is Nigel? Also, you wrote I make you cry all the time. Which I guess is true, but that's not something to smile about on my part. What you do make me do is wish I could finally figure out a way to make you smile and happy instead of making you more unhappy, but so far, no luck.

Date: 2007-05-14 10:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

Nigel. He has no friends.

Date: 2007-05-14 10:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
...

Sorry, I guess it's just not my day. I don't get it.

Date: 2007-05-14 11:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

I HAVE NO FRIENDS BECAUSE I'M PAINFULLY DEPRESSING.

Date: 2007-05-14 11:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
You're not depressing. And you do have friends. Unless you're telling me all those people who keep commenting on your lj aren't friends. Look, I know your best friends aren't around, but aren't the ones still there okay-ish even if they're not Tucker and Warren or Harmony?

...also, maybe I finally found a job for you which both pays and you don't hate. Would you be okay with posing for a painter? Not in the nude! It's totally respectable! And he doesn't have any pets, either. Especially not dogs. I asked!

Date: 2007-05-14 11:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

I made a commitment to the dog lady, I can't just walk out on her NOW. She RELIES on me.

Date: 2007-05-16 04:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] w-w-pryce.livejournal.com
I only met the Rileys briefly, but they seemed like lovely people.

I remember being puzzled at why Angel was so eager to take you on as a protege, after initially wanting to turn down the case.

You did very well by yourself that day; I remember that much.

I'm not sure I can say the same for myself.

Date: 2007-05-16 06:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
You were really nice to my parents and me. I mean, you tried to help us, we were complete strangers who got you into trouble with your boss, and then you still tried to help us while trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

*locked*

Sometimes - sometimes I wish you hadn't broken that thing that gave us our memories back. But I get why you did it, and anyway, most times I'm glad you did. If I couldn't remember my parents would probably still be alive, but I wouldn't have been there to help Angel with that Terminator imitation, and I'd never have seen him and Darla again, and why does it always come down to choices between parents? And I wouldn't be where I'm now, and with whom, and I would never wish that away.

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