Jun. 10th, 2007 05:39 pm
abetterlie: (Default)
[personal profile] abetterlie
If you could completely start your life over from scratch, what would you do differently the second time around (if anything)? Why?

I actually got to do that. Okay, sort of. Since someone else did it for me - rewrote my life, I mean, from scratch. Which is why I know how it works. Or doesn't. I mean, it did, and the reason I'm not dead is because I have the memories of another life in my head right now. But for that to happen, I had to forget everything else. And everyone else else had to forget the old me, and remember the new one. So all the reasons for wanting to change stuff were forgotten, too. And can you really do things differently if you can't remember what you regret doing? It's not you who does that. It's a rewritten you who does that.

Obviously, I remember now, and I make my decisions based on that. But the life I live now is after - after both lives I remember. Not from scratch. And no, I really don't want a third round. The first two got enough people killed.


But okay. Say that I could go back in time, with all my memories, and restart. I think there's no choice, really. Not if you look at the facts.

I wouldn't make the slugs show me how to get out of Quortoth. I'd stay there with my father.

Not just because of him, though he's a reason, yes. He hated that place, but he was sort of resigned to it, and in any case, he'd never have given up there. He would have remained alive until old age or one of the predators got him, and I'd have made sure it would be old age. He wouldn't have killed himself made Justine kill him died the way he did.

I know now what it is to lose a child. So I know what it must have been like for Angel. But you know - he had started to adjust. It's what he does. Why he's still around, curses and trips to hell and three months under the ocean be dammed. Oh, yeah, the last one wouldn't have happened, either, if I hadn't come back. I'd have remained that baby on the photographs Cordy showed me to him, the one he imagined growing up to be how Connor Riley was before I got my memories back. Cordy - she wouldn't have gone through a coma and a death. Jasmine would still be there, but as a Power, she'd never have become flesh. Maybe she'd have figured out a way to help people that didn't depend on eating others, maybe not, but she'd still exist.

So would the girl who died so Jasmine could be born, the cop I met the night after she died, and a lot of other people.

Harry. I think Harry and I are good for each other, and I know I'm happy with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, if I can. But you know, I don't think I'm the only one who is good for Harry to live with. He really was in love with Kara back when he met, and okay, she was young - really young - but she'd have gotten older, and I think he would have waited for her. He doesn't stop loving someone; he would have. Which means no Lex, which means no suicide attempt for Kara, either.

Even if that's not guaranteed; even if. Something else is. Mom, Dad and Mere. Without me coming back, Angel would never have made a deal with Wolfram and Hart. Which means Cyvus Vail would never have screwed with their minds and inserted me in their lives, which means they'd still be alive today. Father, Angel, Cordy, you can say they all in different ways chose the life they led, though I'd tell you a lot of things happened to them that were done by others, but still. They made choices that led them to the point where I showed up. And Jasmine, of course, was a higher being anyway. But the Rileys were just normal people who never chose any of this. They didn't get to make a choice. They were just used so I could have my second life, and then I made it worse by not letting them choose, either, and now they're dead because of me. So really, if I could give them back their lives? If I could do that?

It's not a choice. No choice at all.

Date: 2007-06-10 03:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

You don't want a THIRD do-over. How GRACIOUS of you, Connor. Really.

Date: 2007-06-10 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Okay. Start.

I mean, you clearly want to, and it's been a while, so start.

Also, is the turtle still alive?

Date: 2007-06-10 03:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I don't kill everything, Connor. I'm not a monster. The freaking frogs are still alive as well.

Date: 2007-06-10 04:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was my lame attempt at a joke, Kara Marie.

Frogs: green or brown ones?

Date: 2007-06-10 04:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Oh, wow. I kill things. Really funny. Should we joke about YOU and YOUR track record now? SHOULD WE?

Green. Not that it matters or it's your business or that you care.

Date: 2007-06-10 04:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
In an uncaring, none of my business way, did you name them?

Date: 2007-06-10 04:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I don't want to talk about it.

Date: 2007-06-10 04:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
What do you want to talk about?

Date: 2007-06-10 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I don't know. I think I wanted to yell at you about how you stole my boyfriend which caused me to date Lex which caused everything else.

But I've just realised I don't want to after all.

Date: 2007-06-10 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You could tell me about whether Angel cleared out the swimming pool I didn't know we had but Cordy insists we do yet so you can swim?

Date: 2007-06-10 04:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

No. I guess it's on a to do list.

Even being angry at you is unsatisfying. Amazing. I just figure even if you hadn't stolen my boyfriend and my life then I'd have lost it some other way.

So. Buffy was kinda right. No point being mad.

Date: 2007-06-10 04:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You wouldn't have lost Harry.

If you want to have more satisfying anger at me, I could ask you about your training routine. And visit, so we could have another round of sparring. I don't know about you, but I usually find it satisfying to fight people I'm angry with, and you're not 15 anymore. I think by now, you could beat me.

Date: 2007-06-10 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Well, I did.

And you'll always beat me. You've always proved that time and time again. So what's the point? Except maybe you don't want to beat me anymore coz you've got what you wanted, so NOW you can afford to be generous. It's easy to be generous when you feel like you've got plenty to spare.

I wish I WERE fifteen again. That's what I wish. Blah.

Date: 2007-06-10 03:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
you are a very good writer *eyes stinging*

Date: 2007-06-10 05:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you!


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