abetterlie: (Innocence Drowned by Marciaelena)
[personal profile] abetterlie
Curt: We set out to change the world and ending up… just changing ourselves.
Arthur: What's wrong with that?
Curt: Nothing! … If you don't look at the world.
(Todd Haynes, Velvet Goldmine)



So, when your father whom you've left under the sea for all eternity comes back after three months, really pissed off, and tells you the reason why you did that to him was a lie and your other father was the cause of it, you don't listen to much else of what he has to say. You argue back, and then you get kicked out. Well, I did. But I while I didn't listen at the time, I did hear what he said, and in the weeks after, when I was trying to figure out who had been the liar between the both of them and whether it wasn't still Angel's fault, it kept coming back to me. Kept coming back. What he had said about the world.

Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It's harsh, and cruel. But that's why there's us. Champions. It doesn't matter where we come from, what we've done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be.

My major purpose in life had been to avenge my father - Daniel Holtz, I mean. Which I had just proved I couldn't do properly, plus maybe, just maybe, it had been the wrong purpose. Or I was the wrong person. But I still existed, and it had to be for something. Something other than staking vampires or decapitating demons. And I hadn't been in Los Angeles or this world for much longer than three months; it was way better than Quortoth, but Angel still had a point. People were screwing each other over everywhere, they didn't need demons for that. And maybe if you're alive when you really shouldn't be after what you did, if you exist when you shouldn't have been born, then you owe it to the world not to sit on your ass and feel sorry for yourself but to do whatever you can to change things.

When Jasmine was born, I thought that this was it. A new world, one much better, and it was, in many ways. It wasn't just talk of change and some minor stuff, but people were different, genuinenly different. For those few weeks. They all loved each other, nobody hated each other, envy, greed, all of that was gone.

Not with me, of course, but still, I was happy to be a part of this until things started to crumble. And I shouldn't have been, because at the same time, I knew about the price, and nobody else who lived in paradise and believed in Jasmine did. Well, they knew but they didn't mind, except for Fred and Angel and the others after they left her. The price for paradise was that Jasmine needed to eat people to nourish herself. It ended the way it did. Fast forward some years, and the world is pretty much in the same state it was then. I'm not - no recent attempts to kill a couple of strangers, someone I love and myself, thank you very much - but I'm still around, and still sometimes wonder why, and still keep coming back to what Angel said then.

When I watch Harry playing with Evan, I'm reminded of one big reason why I can't stop wanting the world to change. It shouldn't be what it is now if you have a child growing up in it. Which means you have to work for this change. And figure out ways to do that which don't involve human sacrifice, obviously. But if you stop looking, if you settle, then it means that child will have to face the same shit later on. And what does that make you?

Date: 2007-06-25 04:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] osborn-heir.livejournal.com
I don't think any parent has ever looked at the world their child lived in and felt it was perfect as is.

Date: 2007-06-25 07:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
I guess. And I don't want perfect, you know, just better.

Date: 2007-06-25 07:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] osborn-heir.livejournal.com
Better is always good, but I appreciate what we have now.

Date: 2007-06-25 07:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
What we have now is great, Harry. Emphasis on "we", though. It should be better for other people, too.

... I know I sound totally preachy, sorry. It's what I believe, though.

That, and that everyone should be allowed to download songs and tv episodes without legal prosecution. Permission to strangle people who talk during movies wouldn't be bad, either, except when they have curly hair you can pull, obviously.

Date: 2007-06-25 07:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] osborn-heir.livejournal.com
I wasn't disagreeing with you, but you can preach on all you want.

I don't talk during movies...much.

Date: 2007-06-25 07:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
When Evan started to babble during the Saturday morning cartoons, Natalie and I were totally in agreement who he got it from. Is all I'm saying. It's cute.

Date: 2007-06-25 07:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] osborn-heir.livejournal.com
He's just explaining the plot because he knows I am the only one who pays attention when cartoons are on.

Date: 2007-06-25 08:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Harry Osborn, this is vicious slander. I paid enough attention to know he watched He-Man, not She-ra last Saturday... I think.

Date: 2007-06-25 08:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] osborn-heir.livejournal.com
I bought the Thundercats dvds to marathon this weekend.

Date: 2007-06-25 10:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

So. You're liking being Uncle Connor, then?

Date: 2007-06-25 12:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

You kinda got it all, didn't you?

Date: 2007-06-25 12:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Kara, what is it you want from me? Seriously? If I say yes, you'll think I'm a gloating bastard, if I say no, you'll think I'm an ungrateful slob, so I don't think you want an answer to that at all.

*locked*

Would you feel better if I told you early on I wondered whether Harry wouldn't better of marrying Natalie and doing the normal family thing? Or that I still sometimes think I'm going to screw it up, demon wise or just me-wise? Would you?

Date: 2007-06-25 12:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

So, you're over being all nice and big brotherly to me, then?

Date: 2007-06-25 12:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Oh, I'd love to be nice to you, but I haven't worked out yet how to be when you're simultanously trying to argue with me.

You know what I would like us to do? Do something fun together, something you enjoy. Something that makes you smile, because you have a great smile, and I still remember how it felt when you smiled for the first time for real while I was in the room. But I don't know what. If I say sparring, you say there's no point, even when you win, if I say day on the boat with swimming and fishing, you say you have to work, and with the luck we've had with parties, going to a party is out anyway.

Date: 2007-06-25 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

Oh, well. You better not try then.

Date: 2007-06-25 01:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
...

Miss Kara Marie Keating: would you do me the honor of going with me to the Universal Studios next weekend, either Saturday or Sunday? Because I've never been there, in all my time in Los Angeles, but everyone I know who has enjoyed it, and I think you would, too. I hope.

Date: 2007-06-25 09:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

All right.

Date: 2007-06-25 12:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

Well, except you have to watch Thunderbirds. And they suck.

Date: 2007-06-25 12:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
Girls don't get Thunderbirds. You think Clint Eastwood sucks.

Date: 2007-06-25 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com

Yeah, I do.

Look, I'm just jealous. Forget it. It's stupid. I'm just jealous. OK?

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