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Dear Kara,

I read the Edith Nesbit book you told me about. And I downloaded the Simpsons movie on the internet for you (it's on the CD attached). At first I thought maybe they'd let you take a break for one evening so we could watch it in the cinema, but then I had a reality check, since even if they did, you probably wouldn't want to watch it with me.

Anyway. I was thinking of the novel you started to write; and about that fantasy I told you about ages ago, about what would have happened if when they mindwiped me they would have inserted me in your family, and how we would have ended up running away to the circus together. (Before you told me you didn't like animals.) (Except for turtles.) (I asked Angel and Darla who takes care of your turtle and the frogs when they told me you'd go to S.H. and they to New York. This ended up in some yelling, but don't worry, we calmed down. I'd have volunteered but Darla said this was a really bad idea and so I asked Natalie instead. So, anyway. Turtle and associates acccounted and cared for.) I wish I could write a novel for you and rewrite your life with me not being such a bastard in it, or, well, not there at all.

Now you're saying: "Because that would make things easier for you." But it wouldn't. I try to imagine my life without you and there is this big empty blank that hurts just as the absence of my other family does, and I don't want a life without Kara in it. Not because I miss Mere. Because you're you. I'm still learning about you, Kara, and I don't think I'll ever really figure you out, but I promise I won't ever stop trying.

Yours (really)

Connor



Sahjahn -

considering people come back from the dead on a regular basis, I expect you to show up any time soon.

So. I'm not sorry I killed you. Not because Father and myself ending up in Quortoth for seventeen years; I got all the details now, I think, and that was Father's choice. And not because you forged a couple of prophecies, because if anyone has reason to hold that against you, it's Wesley. They turned out to come true anyway. Plus when I showed up to kill you, I was mindwiped, and for all I knew then you had been the nicest guy ever in the past; the only reason to kill you I had then was that this guy Veil was blackmailing me with my family.

Then of course you tried your best to kill me, and if my memories hadn't come back, you'd have succeeded, but hey. You wanted to live. I get that.

But you know, why I'm not sorry? You held me by the throat.

Just for the record: I really, really, REALLY hate it when people do that to me. And just one person has the right to. That's not you. So when you do come back from the dead and do the usual demon stick of trying to kill me again/send me into a hell dimension/ mess with my mind? Don't do that again, and you might survive this time.

Connor (Stephen)

Date: 2007-07-30 12:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com
ooc: aws.

Date: 2007-07-30 03:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abetterlie.livejournal.com
:) (I'm learning, too!)

Date: 2007-07-30 09:02 pm (UTC)

LETTER

Date: 2007-08-05 05:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kara-marie.livejournal.com
Hi Connor,

Did you like the book? You don't say either way, so I'm presuming you didn't, which is fine, I often think the less we have in common the better for both of us, because let's face it, the last time our tastes collided it didn't end well for me. But supposedly that's called ancient history, I don't know, supposedly it's time to let go and move on.

I'd be happy to watch it with you, the Simpsons, I mean - but, no, I can't and I don't have a computer so while the disc was a nice idea I can't really use it, either.

Can you please get my stuff from Natalie? I don't feel comfortable with her having it. I don't even know her, she seemed nice enough, sure, just like the sort of person I should probably want to be - pretty and nice and with a kid that's cute as a button (whatever that means, but I know cute when I see it and he's got photographic genes that's for damn sure) but honestly I don't want the mother of Harry's kid having all my stuff. It just makes me feel angry OKAY? This is me naming MY feelings, it makes me feel angry. So get it back and I'll be counting them and they better all be there because if they're not there will be trouble because I wont be here forever and I will be really pissed if anything gets MISPLACED.

You should tell me how you'd re-write my life without you, Connor, you really should. Would I still be in Arizona? I guess that would work for both of us, right?

Of course, I don't want a novel, I just want a life - and it's too late for any of the comprimises you like to pretend now you would have made. It's easy to be not just wise in retrospect, it's easy to be kind as well.

It's been a bad day, bad week maybe. I don't know. Your letter was nice, well intentioned, I shouldn't be pissed but I am, I don't know why, maybe because these meds make me feel sick and no one listens and then you're all giving my stuff away.

Is Harry OKAY? I've been so worried, Connor. Kiss his leg better for me. Write back if you want, maybe I'll be in a better mood next time.


--- K.

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