Connor says heatedly. In the back of his mind, he knows he's being unfair, that he lashes out at Angel because Angel, as opposed to Harry's illness, is something he can fight, and because the entire line of questioning reminds him how he has failed Holtz, but that doesn't stop him. It doesn't make him lie, either; what he says now is what he has believed for a long time and still believes.
"He had already given you what you wanted. That letter. But you went there to kill him. That's why you lied to me, that's why you sent me away with Fred and Gunn. They talked about it, you know. Don't pretend that's not what you wanted to do! He just did it for you, that's all."
He gets around the desk, fists clenched, barely keeping himself from attacking Angel physically. Actually, he wants Angel to attack him. Because Connor has betrayed Holtz, because Connor has failed to keep Harry safe.
"And you didn't sire me at the mall because I didn't feel anything then. You had to make me care for you first. Just like she did. And then she goes and sees Harry behind my back, just like you did with Father. You, you made trust you, you made me love you, and he told me, he told me that the devil has many colours, and I didn't listen, I betrayed him, and you made me do it and I hate you!"
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branchandroot
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Date: 2006-01-30 06:16 am (UTC)Connor says heatedly. In the back of his mind, he knows he's being unfair, that he lashes out at Angel because Angel, as opposed to Harry's illness, is something he can fight, and because the entire line of questioning reminds him how he has failed Holtz, but that doesn't stop him. It doesn't make him lie, either; what he says now is what he has believed for a long time and still believes.
"He had already given you what you wanted. That letter. But you went there to kill him. That's why you lied to me, that's why you sent me away with Fred and Gunn. They talked about it, you know. Don't pretend that's not what you wanted to do! He just did it for you, that's all."
He gets around the desk, fists clenched, barely keeping himself from attacking Angel physically. Actually, he wants Angel to attack him. Because Connor has betrayed Holtz, because Connor has failed to keep Harry safe.
"And you didn't sire me at the mall because I didn't feel anything then. You had to make me care for you first. Just like she did. And then she goes and sees Harry behind my back, just like you did with Father. You, you made trust you, you made me love you, and he told me, he told me that the devil has many colours, and I didn't listen, I betrayed him, and you made me do it and I hate you!"