abetterlie

She's here, she's finally here, the miracle, the reason and justification for everything, has to be, and the first thing she says with her beautiful voice is his father's name.

"Angel."

Angel falls to his knees and Connor follows suit, not sure this isn't all a dream, or what he feels. The blood on his face has hardly dried yet after all.

....annointed in the blood of the innocent, you have a choice, you have a choice...

Then Angel surrenders his sword to her, and she's gone. They're alone with Cordelia's body. Cordelia who is still breathing but no longer conscious. He hadn't expected this. Despite everything, he had doubted her when she swore everything would be alright once their baby was born, that there would be no more hate. And it seems to come true. There is Angel, no longer fighting, no longer trying to kill anybody. In fact, Angel launches into a torrent of selfabuse, repeating every accusation Connor ever flung at him, and then some. It should feel satisfying. It doesn't.

"We have to prepare the others, Dad,"

Connor says at last, and either the argument or the rarely used term has the hoped for effect. Angel is silent, nods, and turns towards him. Comes closer. Finally notices the bloodstains on Connor's face.

"Did I hurt you?"

he asks, and Connor shakes his head.

...the blood of the innocent, help me, let me go, let me go, you have a choice, there, that wasn't so difficult, was it, the blood of the innocent...

The body of the girl still lies there, together with Cordy's, even though she is no longer wearing his mother's face. It's impossible for Angel not to arrive at the obvious conclusion. Connor steels himself for the inevitable accusation.

What you did to me was unspeakable. So the question is, what do you deserve?

But it doesn't come. Instead, Angel takes one more step and stands so close that one could have felt his breath, if he breathed. He raises his left hand and wipes away the stains. Shivering, Connor lets it happen.

"I should have done that for you," Angel said. "For her. Now let us go to the others."

This is when the enormity of the miracle truly sinks in.

****

Everyone reacts as Angel did. There is no more question of right and wrong; there is only the miracle, who soon will be called Jasmine. For the first time, they all want the same, and Connor feels no longer excluded or stared at or blamed. And yet. He's happy, he truly is, and proud to have been the instrument that brought forth Jasmine who will bring peace to everyone... but as opposed to everyone else, he can't shake off the darkness within. At first, he thinks that's true for Angel was well, but then he overhears Angel and Jasmine talking and realizes Angel is just afraid of being too happy because of Angelus. Connor isn't. He wants to be completely happy. He wants to be complete.

But Cordelia is still in her silent sleep, and he had promised to keep her safe. Jasmine swears she'll wake up again, when the world has been made perfect. And yet Connor cannot shake off the sensation of failure. Which is still better to contemplate the other things on his mind.

...let me go, oh let me go, I swear I won't tell her blood for our baby that's fair isn't it we're special isn't it isn't it you have a choice...

When he's alone with the goddess who is his daughter, he takes all his courage and confesses. Tells her that he still doubts, though no one else does.

"I have done things," he says. "I don't deserve..."

"You deserve every happiness I can give you," she replies, and he believes her. He has to. Surely a peaceful world free of evil justifies everything? "A soldier has to make sacrifices, Stephen," Holtz used to say, and it's wrong to assume that Daniel Holtz would never have approved of the murder of a human being. Holtz arranged for his own sacrifice at Justine's hand, after all. No, it's wrong to doubt, and Connor pushes his doubt back with every conviction he has to participate in the wonder that is Jasmine.

For a while, it works. He's happier than he has been for a long, long time. Perhaps ever. Even after Fred looked at Jasmine with horror in her eyes and left, it continues to work. It doesn't start to fall apart until Fred infects Angel, but that shouldn't come as a surprise; Angel is the beginning and end of everything that is wrong in Connor's life, isn't he?

Except that he isn't. Now the hotel is full of worshippers. Angel and the others might have left, but the entire state of California bows to Jasmine, so she says, and soon the world will. Los Angeles, by and large, is still completely happy. The world soon will be. So why the return of what feels suspiciously like guilt and traitorously like doubt?

"Why aren't you smiling?" Jasmine asks and proceeds to tell him he hasn't surrendered completely yet. Which Connor can't understand. Nobody loves her more than he does. He doesn't want to be excluded from the universal bliss. He's not like Angel who needs his misery and prefers it to being together, even now they can be.

"It's your pain," she says. "Pain has been the one constant in your life."

He looks at her and thinks she's wrong, or only half right; there has also been love. The love just hasn't been able to prevent the pain, so maybe he shouldn't be surprised the later hasn't gone. Maybe he deserves it, for having caused pain to others. Then he understands the very thought is a betrayal, for it means doubt. Doubting himself means doubting her, for she created him to be her father.

"I want it," Jasmine says. "Give it to me."

Her nails draw blood from his flesh and she's welcome to his pain, welcome to do more, because that is what people who love you do and what he deserves. But his pain isn't what keeps him in this state. It's his doubt, and so for the last time Connor manages to take it and put it away. He overcomes it, for the sake of his goddess.

Perhaps he knows, even then, that the day when he won't be able to overcome his doubt anymore will be the day that spells the end for both of them.