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Worst Failure
Feb. 3rd, 2006 09:59 pmRight. Because you put a rank on those. Bad, not so bad, really bad, double plus bad, worst? Bullshit. I couldn't do that, at least not for the things I immediately thought of. Not saving Father from killing himself, not saving Cordy from her coma, not finding a way to save Jasmine and the world. Not figuring out what Griffin was up to in time to save Harry.
Not being able to deal with Mom and Dad and Mere and protect them in a way other than ask for that memory spell and getting them killed.
But maybe I got it wrong. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself and trying not to think about the real failure. The one that started all of this, save Father's death. "I didn't save so and so", that makes you sound all noble and stuff, right? Makes people think that at least you tried, and so on. So that's just a big lie when you try not to think about the real thing. Nothing noble or good about that. It was me making two decisions. It was me dragging someone to her death.
I still don't know her name. She was a girl, and I had heard that vampire who was trying to eat her say she was a virgin. Cordy had said she needed a virgin, so I staked the vampire, and knocked the girl out. Then I brought her to the place where we were hiding. That was the first decision. The other came after I had time to think. I mean, I really had. Cordy was busy preparing for the birth of our baby, and the girl woke up. I gave her something to drink because I felt sorry for her, and that was a big lie, too. I mean, I knew I had brought her here so we could kill her, so what was I thinking, that some water makes a difference? Rubbish.
That was the first time I saw my mother. Who died when I was born, so it would have freaked me out in any case, but there she was, came out of thin air, and told me to listen to my heart and not to do it. To let the girl go. She said other stuff, too. I didn't believe much of it. I mean, it sounded so different from what they had said. Both my fathers. But I knew she was right about the girl. Get it? I knew it. I wasn't under a spell or anything. Cordy never had to force me to do anything. Jasmine didn't have to, either. Darla said I had a choice, and I did.
This is your father, Cordelia said, this is how much he hates you, torturing you with this sad imitation of your dead mother.
I guess I believed that because I wanted to believe he hated me, and couldn't believe she loved me, but that's not the point. The girl is the point. She didn't have anythign to do with my father or my mother. She was there because I had kidnapped her, she was about to get killed and I was the only one who could still change that. There wasn't anyone else to blame for her being there. No supervillain, no past grief, nothing, nobody but me, so even if I shouldn't have saved her anyway, I should have because of that.
Are you going to let them do this to us? Are you going to let them kill our baby? Cordy asked, and Darla asked me to listen to her, and that was when I snapped.
Right. Passive word again. "Snapped". You don't fail because you lose it. You fail because you make a decision and you shout "you're not my mother!", and then you take the girl who had a life and family and a future right until that point, you take her when she's weeping and pleading, and you drag her into the next room, and then you watch the woman you love raise an axe, and suddenly the girl looks like your dead mother, and you still don't stop it. Even though you could. Your girlfriend has no superpowers or superspeed. Even at this last moment, you could stop her. But you don't. She strikes and the girl's blood is all over your face.
End of recipe for worst failure.
I guess you could say all the others go back to it. Because if the girl had lived, I would have had to take Cordy and hide her elsewhere because Angel was tracking us, and Jasmine wouldn't have been born for another week, and maybe then Cordy wouldn't have fallen into a coma. I would have known that you don't love and protect someone by fulfilling their every wish. But what it comes down to isn't even that. It's the girl.
Sometimes I go through these "why me?" moments and stuff, like I guess everyone does. And then I remember.
Thank you, she had said when she saw me after I dusted the vamp, thank you so much. A few hours later, you could smell her blood all over me.
"Failure" is just a fancy word for that.
Not being able to deal with Mom and Dad and Mere and protect them in a way other than ask for that memory spell and getting them killed.
But maybe I got it wrong. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself and trying not to think about the real failure. The one that started all of this, save Father's death. "I didn't save so and so", that makes you sound all noble and stuff, right? Makes people think that at least you tried, and so on. So that's just a big lie when you try not to think about the real thing. Nothing noble or good about that. It was me making two decisions. It was me dragging someone to her death.
I still don't know her name. She was a girl, and I had heard that vampire who was trying to eat her say she was a virgin. Cordy had said she needed a virgin, so I staked the vampire, and knocked the girl out. Then I brought her to the place where we were hiding. That was the first decision. The other came after I had time to think. I mean, I really had. Cordy was busy preparing for the birth of our baby, and the girl woke up. I gave her something to drink because I felt sorry for her, and that was a big lie, too. I mean, I knew I had brought her here so we could kill her, so what was I thinking, that some water makes a difference? Rubbish.
That was the first time I saw my mother. Who died when I was born, so it would have freaked me out in any case, but there she was, came out of thin air, and told me to listen to my heart and not to do it. To let the girl go. She said other stuff, too. I didn't believe much of it. I mean, it sounded so different from what they had said. Both my fathers. But I knew she was right about the girl. Get it? I knew it. I wasn't under a spell or anything. Cordy never had to force me to do anything. Jasmine didn't have to, either. Darla said I had a choice, and I did.
This is your father, Cordelia said, this is how much he hates you, torturing you with this sad imitation of your dead mother.
I guess I believed that because I wanted to believe he hated me, and couldn't believe she loved me, but that's not the point. The girl is the point. She didn't have anythign to do with my father or my mother. She was there because I had kidnapped her, she was about to get killed and I was the only one who could still change that. There wasn't anyone else to blame for her being there. No supervillain, no past grief, nothing, nobody but me, so even if I shouldn't have saved her anyway, I should have because of that.
Are you going to let them do this to us? Are you going to let them kill our baby? Cordy asked, and Darla asked me to listen to her, and that was when I snapped.
Right. Passive word again. "Snapped". You don't fail because you lose it. You fail because you make a decision and you shout "you're not my mother!", and then you take the girl who had a life and family and a future right until that point, you take her when she's weeping and pleading, and you drag her into the next room, and then you watch the woman you love raise an axe, and suddenly the girl looks like your dead mother, and you still don't stop it. Even though you could. Your girlfriend has no superpowers or superspeed. Even at this last moment, you could stop her. But you don't. She strikes and the girl's blood is all over your face.
End of recipe for worst failure.
I guess you could say all the others go back to it. Because if the girl had lived, I would have had to take Cordy and hide her elsewhere because Angel was tracking us, and Jasmine wouldn't have been born for another week, and maybe then Cordy wouldn't have fallen into a coma. I would have known that you don't love and protect someone by fulfilling their every wish. But what it comes down to isn't even that. It's the girl.
Sometimes I go through these "why me?" moments and stuff, like I guess everyone does. And then I remember.
Thank you, she had said when she saw me after I dusted the vamp, thank you so much. A few hours later, you could smell her blood all over me.
"Failure" is just a fancy word for that.
