private: Weeks from Hell, continued

[abetterlie]

Last week when Harry believed he was going insane and killing people as the Green Goblin was the worst, but this week was only partly better. Well, the one really good part was that Griffin is dead and can no longer poison Harry and he's back with me. On the downside, Tucker Wells got himself nearly killed and mauled by some beast and is in the hospital in a coma or something. Now I'd be a total hypocrite if I said that made me feel terrible for Tucker - he and I just tolerate each other at best, which doesn't mean I want him dead, but it doesn't mean I'm heartbroken over this, either - but Kara loves him, and I know how it feels like to have someone you love dying right in front of you, with nothing you can do.

Because as of now, Harry is. That stuff Griffin slipped him already killed Griffin, and if Peter doesn't find an antidote, it will kill Harry, sooner or later. And there isn't a thing I can do about it. I could find the real Goblin, too late, but I could find him, I could defeat him. When Kara got her soul sucked by that doll, I could find out the reason and destroy the thing, too. I can't stand magic, but it's part of my world, I get it, and for every spell, there is something to break it. It makes sense to me. But this is science, and I have absolutely zero idea of what to do.

Well. I had one idea. And I know I'll go to hell for even considering it. But ultimately Harry doesn't want that, and that cancels it out.

So Kara is going to pieces somewhere in Maine over Tucker Wells, and there is zilch I can do to help her. She sort of let me in in Boston when we thought she was pregnant, but not now. When she was here in New York eight days ago, it was clear it had all come back. And yeah, I know it's my fault. It always will be. Anyway, even in some bizarro AU where I and Harry never met, I probably still couldn't help her because what the hell do I know about surgery and science? See above.

And Harry is just barely not going to pieces here. I mean, considering some doctor he trusted stabbed him in the back and slipped him poison and he just spent several days trapped in his worst nightmare, and the clock is ticking all the time, it's a miracle he didn't lose it already. And I'm not - I should be strong and calm and all the good stuff, but wouldn't you know it, first time he really vents about everything that happened, I lose it, too. Now he has a bandaid on his neck, and - like he said. So much for no more scars.

It's just that I'm so freaking scared because I can't do anything. And I can't afford to be scared. I've got to be the one who holds it together. When I got back from walking Bailey today Norman The Bastard had finally deigned to show up and offer help in saving his son's life, and Harry had a cut in his arm.

Speaking of Osborn Senior. He also showed up again later, when I was in the training room, and informed me that if I truly wanted to help both Kara and Harry in a meaningful way, there was a perfect way to do it. I should walk out on Harry, he said. "We both know my son would go back to dear Miss Keating, no matter his protestations earlier, and that she would accept him. It would soothe her feelings. It would finally ease the guilt he bears for his treatment of her." And so on, and so forth.

I won't do it, but the awful thing is, I can't say he's entirely wrong. Kara would probably take Harry back, and it would cheer her up. And Harry feels more guilty than ever for breaking up with her now, because of the Tucker thing. It's just - well, maybe I'm the most selfish guy in the universe and just kidding myself, but I think he needs me. More than he needs to stop feeling guilty.

Then there is also the problem that with Peter researching on the antidote and me taking care of Harry, no one is around to guard the city, really. Peter pointed that out when we had a kind of clear-the-air-conversation after everything that went down with Griffin. First I thought I'd ask Faith or Buffy, and I knew I had to ask Kara, even if she couldn't because of school (that was before Warren posted about Tucker being in the hospital, of course), because she'd be mortally offended otherwise. But Faith has stuff going on in Chicago and Buffy is at college and I know how hard it is to catch up if you've missed out for a while. So I guess I just have to, well. Ask Angel.

It's not that I don't think he'd do it; of course he would. But he'd notice things. And - oh, to hell with it. So what. I can't stand the idea of people getting beaten up and dying because I'm freaked out over the idea of him noticing stuff.

In between, there was the thing with Cordy's husband the film star emailing everyone saying she was possessed. That completely freaked me out and I asked whether she was pregnant, and then he lost it and said Harry and I had made her and Kara lesbians. (Seriously. What does she see in that idiot?) Anyway, I visited, and it turned out there was actually another person in her body. Who wasn't Jasmine. But kissed me. I went and looked for the axis of Pythia which Angel had used once before to locate Cordy's soul. Gwen had sold it on ebay, but I finally tracked it down, but by the time Harry bought for me, Cordy was back in her body. Thank God. Or rather, thank Kara, who organized it before finding out about Tucker Wells. Hearing from the real Cordy again was definitely one of the better times this last week.

There were others, of course. When I'm not freaked out and worrying I'm just so damm happy Harry is back and alive and himself again. Sometimes when I watch him feeding Bailey too much (he never learns) or the other night when we were out and he danced in that great way he has, I thought of nothing but that, not about any of the other things. And it was a better rush than any fighting or anything else. Just that.

Comments

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Angel went straight from the airport back to the townhouse to pack his own bag and weapons. Based on the little information that Kara provided Darla with, it was decided Darla would head to Maine as planned, and Angel would drive to New York and find out what exactly was going on with Connor and the Osborn kid. He thought about calling first to get answers from Connor, but decided against it. If Connor had any inclination to talk to Angel he would have called him by now. Instead, Angel decided to just show up.

He arrived in New York just before sunrise Sunday morning. There was no time to make it to the penthouse before the sun would hit him, so he checked into the closest hotel and waited for sunset. It gave him time to check in with Darla to find out how Kara was doing. Hearing that Osborn senior was hanging around Kara and Darla didn't make Angel happy, but he figured Darla would handle it.

As soon as the sun set, Angel headed straight for the penthouse. He greeted Gus, Harry's driver, on his way in and Gus provided the clearance to let Angel up to Harry's penthouse. By the time he knocked on the door, he had two bags with him, one for his clothes, and one with his weapons.

"Oh, it's you, Mr. Osborn is sleeping and your son is in the library I believe," Bernard informed Angel as he opened the door to let him in.

"Thanks," Angel said, and paused when he realized he had no idea where the library was. "Which way to the library?"

A few minutes later he had successfully followed Bernard's directions to discover Connor sitting at a desk, books spread out around him, and his lap top open. "That butler isn't big on warm introductions."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Connor's first reaction upon seeing his father is a burst of relief. Followed quickly by a burst of shame and embarassment, for various reasons. The pendulum keeps swinging between these two extremes while he answers.

"He hates everyone's guts by default," he says in reply. "Though sometimes I think that maybe he sort of tolerates me now."

He closes his laptop and clears his throat.

"I, err. Was just writing an email to you."

In fact, he had been going through the third draft of one when he was really supposed to finish his essay about Of Human Bondage.

"BecauseIneedsyourhelp," he finishes quickly, so he has said it out loud.

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Angel isn't expecting the 'Ineedyourhelp' admission so the lecture he has prepared on the drive up won't exactly work now. He'll have to file it away for later. He sets his bags down on a near by table and pulls up a chair to sit across from Connor.

"Kara called Darla and as usual we got only the bare minimum of information. Darla is in Maine to help Kara, and I'm here to find out what the hell 'Harry could turn to jello' means."

He regrets the jello comment when he sees Connor's expression. "I'm here to help. Catch me up to speed."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Connor looks at a point on the wall behind Angel's shoulder.

"That enhancement drug the guy who was framing Harry slipped him in small doses. That doesn't just provide superpowers and makes you crazy. It's actually what the Goblin died of. He took the full dose, of course, but Harry has it in him now, too, and that means he could die of it."

Before Angel can say anything, Connor rushes on:

"Anyway, that means no Spider-man because Peter is busy looking for an antidote" -

- he has forgotten for the moment Angel doesn't know about Peter Parker's secret identity -

"and I can't much patrol, either, because I have to take care of Harry. But someone has to protect the city, Dad."

Desperately, he hopes the moniker and that appeal will make Angel concentrate on that aspect, rather than on the Harry dying part, because conversations about that, and conversations about Harry in general with Angel, are just a minefield with Connor.

And of course, given his luck with keeping secrets from his parents, it might just be that Angel upon seeing Harry with the bandaid immediately deduces the rest, and from there the fact Connor now has a minimum of poisoned blood inside him, too. Which is something no one else, including Harry, has figured out yet, and Connor would like to keep it that way.

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Great. The kid could be dying. Because that is exactly what Kara and Connor need right now. Another person they care about possibly dying. Siring all of them seems better and better with each passing day.

"I'll patrol the city. Just tell me where the areas I should concentrate on are at."

He is quiet for a couple of minutes as he collects his thoughts. He hasn't figured out the Peter and Spider-man connection, but that isn't even on his mind right now.

"How much of the drugs was slipped to Harry versus how much did this Griffin guy consume? Are we talking a big difference or not?" Angel asks, because he figures it's best to start off slowly.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Connor quickly rattles of a list of areas that are most likely to feature either muggers, drug lords, or vampires, because that's the easy part. Then he replies to the other question:

"He kept notes. Peter says something like ten to twenty percent, because Griffin wanted to make Harry show distinct symptoms, but he didn't want competition at his hands."

Then something occurs to him, something he promised to do.

"Harry doesn't want to be a vampire," he says, which is something of a non sequitur if you're not Connor and having certain associations connected to Harry's prospects of surviving, or not. "He said Mo - that Darla told him you'd bring him back if he was dying. But he doesn't want that."

He wants to finish with "so please don't do it, promise me you won't" he truly does. But somehow, the words won't pass his lips. He just looks at Angel, silently, hoping Angel would understand anyway, and feeling the shame and horror over his betrayal of everything he had been taught to hold dear again conflicting with the desire to keep Harry alive at any cost.

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

"Most people don't want to be vampires, but they learn to adjust after the fact. But before we have a debate over the pros and cons of siring your boyfriend let's back up a bit, okay?"

Angel needs Connor to find hope for the situation. He is his father's son, so naturally Connor is seeing the worst parts of this. Connor losing hope leads to Connor self-destructing.

"I'm guessing this Griffin guy was at least ten years older than Harry, right? Maybe fifteen or twenty? So, Harry is younger, and has only a small percentage of the drugs in his system? That's good odds, Connor. That means he has a lot more time than this Griffin guy, and he has people working to fix him so let's keep focus on the positive."

Angel leans back in his chair, and gives Connor a curious look. Obviously if the topic of siring came up then Connor wasn't completely opposed to it.

"Would you want to be?" He asks, and it's a difficult question, but he needs to know. "If you were in Harry's position and he wanted you to be sired to be saved, would you want to be?"

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

At first, Connor listens and is indeed feeling a bit more hopeful. But then Angel's question is like being suckerpunched. His first instinctive reaction is to lash out. Unfair and vicious and using Angel as a target because of course that is the forbidden thing he has been wondering ever since telling Kara he'd rather have Harry turned into a vampire than let him die.

"How can you ask me that? That would be like my father never existed."

Yes, he deliberately uses this term for Holtz. To hurt Angel. He pushes his chair back, and the anger in his voice is as cutting as it ever was two years ago.

"That would be your final victory over him. Then you'd have everything, right? You took his family, you drove him to make a pact with demon, and then he killed himself when he saw you and me together and then you made me care for you, and then everthing he ever believed in gets betrayed!"

And of course he has managed not to answer the question anywhere in this entire (self-loathing) rant.

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

"You brought it up when you said that Harry didn't want to be turned," Angel points out in an entirely too rational voice. He knows exactly what Connor is doing, and yes it has it's desired effect. He's hurt every time Connor refers to Holtz as his father, but he has come to accept that is how it will always be.

"I'm not going to debate your father with you, but I will remind you that if turning you would have given me everything I wanted then why exactly didn't I didn't I do it in the mall?"

He sighs, and tries to keep his temper in check which is never an easy thing to do when Connor is in this temperament. It always comes down to this, but if it makes Connor feel better to lash out at Angel? Then Angel is fine with that.

"My relationship with you has never been about Daniel Holtz. I accept he will always be your father, but you should remember that everything I do for you is about you, Connor. It's always about you, and that included not killing him when I had the chance after what he did to you."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

"You didn't kill him because you didn't have to,"

Connor says heatedly. In the back of his mind, he knows he's being unfair, that he lashes out at Angel because Angel, as opposed to Harry's illness, is something he can fight, and because the entire line of questioning reminds him how he has failed Holtz, but that doesn't stop him. It doesn't make him lie, either; what he says now is what he has believed for a long time and still believes.

"He had already given you what you wanted. That letter. But you went there to kill him. That's why you lied to me, that's why you sent me away with Fred and Gunn. They talked about it, you know. Don't pretend that's not what you wanted to do! He just did it for you, that's all."

He gets around the desk, fists clenched, barely keeping himself from attacking Angel physically. Actually, he wants Angel to attack him. Because Connor has betrayed Holtz, because Connor has failed to keep Harry safe.

"And you didn't sire me at the mall because I didn't feel anything then. You had to make me care for you first. Just like she did. And then she goes and sees Harry behind my back, just like you did with Father. You, you made trust you, you made me love you, and he told me, he told me that the devil has many colours, and I didn't listen, I betrayed him, and you made me do it and I hate you!"

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

"I went there to find out what happened to you. Maybe I was going to kill him, but it doesn't matter because I didn't. He did it, Connor. He killed himself for his own reasons, and I really don't think you want to get into that when you have other things to deal with right now."

Angel steps back at the rest of the rant, like Connor has backhanded him across the face. He hates Daniel Holtz for what he has done to Connor, but he hates himself for letting it happen. For his own part in turning Connor into someone incapable of loving without hating at the same time.

"I didn't turn you because I wanted you to have a real second life. If I wanted you to love me, to care for me, I wouldn't have given you a life that excluded me, son." Angel's tone is flat and he can practically see the mall as he talks. It's funny how the memory can screw with you.

"I just wanted you to be happy and not a part of some ancient struggle that had nothing to do with you. To know love without vengeance and hate. Turning you wouldn't have accomplished that. Killing Holtz wouldn't have accomplished that. My choices have never been about Daniel Holtz, boy. They've been about you because if this was about Holtz? He'd still be in my basement in the Hyperion barely clinging to life as I tortured him for everything he put you through."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Connor looks at Angel, and the most terrible thing is that he sees a mirror, hears an echo. He remembers telling Harry, shortly after his arrival in New York, that he'd kill Norman if he could for what Norman had done to Harry. He more than remembers looking up all those books on ways to torture a ghost.

And that line of thought inevitably leads to a comparison he can't make, and not between himself and Angel.

"He didn't put me through anything he didn't go through himself," Connor says, his own voice flat. "He wanted to make me better. I guess both of you did. Pity that the basic material is faulty, right?"

He turns away, unable to look at Angel any longer, puts both hands against the bookshelves, feels the wood of the shelf cut into his forehead.

"Sorry about - I didn't mean to talk about any of it," Connor continues listlessly, and goes into another default mode, though one he hasn't used with Angel yet. It is in fact the way he reacted in the aftermath of quarrels with Justine or on occasions when he had dissapointed Holtz. "Thank you for coming here. The city really needs your help."

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Angel isn't used to this kind of reaction from Connor. He slowly approaches him and places a hand on Connor's shoulder. His tone is deliberately kept gentle when he says, "No matter what happened between Holtz and me, we both took pride in having you as a son. You are not faulty, Connor. Don't ever say that again."

He turns Connor around until he is facing Angel and then he hugs him before Connor can pull away. It's the past and the present that is tormenting his boy, and Angel hates that he can't change any of it. He can try and help the present though.

"I came here for you. You're my first priority. If you need me here, helping with Harry while you're in class, I will be. If you need me patrolling the streets while you are home then I will be. Your mother and I will always put Kara and you first, above all other obligations. I love you, Connor."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

But I am faulty, Connor thinks. If I weren't, I would have either been able to be his son and avenge him or to be completely yours and do nothing but love you. I would have managed to save Harry in time. I would be in California today and Mom and Dad and Mere would still be alive because I would have remained as I was, memories or no memories.

Then Angel embraces him, and Connor goes completely still. He doesn't grow stiff, he just doesn't move, because he doesn't know whether he wants to return the hug too much or too little.

"I need you,"

he whispers, which is a reply to many things at once.

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Angel squeezes a little tighter when Connor tells him that he needs him. It's such a huge admission and he doesn't want to ruin the moment with words right away. Instead he rubs Connor's back and waits for him to relax or pull away.

After a few moments of silence, Angel finally says, "You'll always have me. You and Kara can push us away as much as you want, but we're more stubborn than the two of you combined. We'll always come back."

He kisses the top of Connor's head and whispers, "The odds are in Harry's favor. Let's focus on the positive alright?"

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

"Right,"

Connor says, and finally draws away after permitting himself to feel his father's touch one moment longer. He can't say any more words that express what he's feeling, so he does what the memories of a normal life his father gave him have taught him to do. Making a joke is what you do when there is too much to say in a serious fashion. His voice just has a few traces of brittleness in the midst of deadpan as he says:

"Keep that in mind when you try out costumes and nicknames. Because you realize that is what superheroes do here in New York?"

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Angel frowns. He knows about the Kid Vicious and Spider-man thing. If Connor thinks Angel is adopting a mask and nickname? He's seriously mistaken.

"I don't do costumes and nicknames. No one will notice me."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

"Because nobody in Los Angeles did, either,"

Connor says, getting into the swing of things. He had forgotten that teasing his father was actually fun and less bloody a distraction from life than fighting him.

"I mean, they just knew you on sight is all. Sorry, Dad, I know it sucks, but I had to give in, too. Anyway, Cordy once told me she named you the Dark Avenger already, so you could use that."

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

"That was LA, it was my city, they were supposed to notice me," Angel protests, a little annoyed by how much pleasure Connor is taking in this.

"Cordy also tried to flavor my blood with cranberry juice for Thanksgiving so how about we don't take her advice, okay?"

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

"Look at it this way: you don't want to wait until that Jameson guy nicknames you instaed,"

Connor says innocently. "That's what happened to me. Of course, if you want him to call you Fang Man or something like that..."

Curiously, he adds:

"So how does blood with cranberry juice taste like?"

Because naturally, he assumes Angel had to drink it. It was Cordy, after all.

[not-a-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Angel scowls at fang man. "If he does nickname me that he'll have fangs in his throat when I show up to grant him an exclusive interview."

Maybe Dark Avenger isn't so bad. He suppresses a shudder at the memory of the special flavored blood.

"Bitter. Very bitter. I think I preferred the cinnamon she tried once."

of course he drank some of it. Then when she turned her back he tossed it outside.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

"I know where you can buy face-covering masks," Connor advises. "I mean, I'd lend you one of mine, but the size doesn't fit. Or maybe Harry could take you shopping."

Which is cruel, and then all of a sudden in the middle of feeling light-hearted reality comes back to him. Reality including a thing Angel is bound to notice about Harry, and of course, always, Harry dying. The amusement leaves his face as suddenly as it appeared. But even as that brief excursion from dread has ended, something still has changed from before Angel's arrival. Somehow, he feels better. He does have hope. They'll make it through this, and Harry will be saved, and Tucker Wells back in Maine will wake up and Kara will be happy again as well.

"We'll work it out," Connor says, seriously, and somehow, he really believes they will.