Mocking

[abetterlie]

Okay, I'll have to ignore one set of memories for that one because man, one time? Mere and I were always at it. (Except that never happened.) But in the other life, I remember the first time I did it. That actually was the best part on a pretty bad day. Said day started with me going from being incredibly happy to feeling like my insides were torn out in a matter of minutes for entirely personal reasons -

*locked from all*
- because Cordy told me making love to me had been a mistake when she woke up -
*unlocked*

- and went down from there. I didn't want to think about the personal reasons, which left me thinking about the Beast and how it had shown up in the same alley I was born, and how I still didn't know why I existed at all, and maybe it was all for some evil purpose. Which gave me the pretty stupid idea to visit Wolfram and Hart. I met Lilah Morgan who said they'd vivisect me, and then the Beast showed up there as well, the building locked down, and the Beast killed everyone in it. Except me and Lilah - he was having a go at her when I found him, and I tried to distract him, but that didn't last long (long enough for Lilah to make an exit, I guess, since she was gone from the building afterwards). And then, when you'd think things couldn't get any worse, all the lawyers the Beast had killed started to come back as zombies. (Wolfram and Hart: employer of the month, definitely.) Which I had never seen before - one good thing about Quortoth, it was Zombie-free - but I figured out pretty soon I couldn't kill them again. They just kept going. So here I was, in a locked up building full of undead lawyers and a Beast that for some mysterious reason hadn't killed me yet though it had won every fight, which presumably meant it either had something worse in store or considered me a fellow evil. The undead lawyers didn't have any restraint problems, though. They just kept coming.

And that was when he showed up.

Well, okay, he grabbed me by the neck and pinned me against the wall, but that was pretty much Angel's way of saying hello to me back then. Then he hugged me. Which we had never done before. I think that was the first time I saw him and wasn't angry, not even the tiniest part of me. I was just relieved, and I couldn't believe he had come for me, in a good way. But I didn't know how to say that. I was still trying to figure out a way when Lilah's flunky Gavin Something or The Other showed up, looking like a corpse and attacking Angel. Angel said Gavin was a zombie and I asked what that was.

"It's an undead thing," Angel replied, and suddenly, I had an idea.

"Like you," I said.

"No, zombies are slow-moving, dimwitted things that crave human flesh," he explained, and for the first time since we had sparred in front of that club together, I felt something - well, I smiled. Because it was pretty funny. We were surrounded by moaning undead creatures and he was lecturing and totally taking my remark seriously - I mean, come on, I can seen the difference between what those things were and a vampire. He was just asking for it.

"Like you," I repeated, and he looked annoyed like hell.

"No!" he exclaimed. "It's different."

I knew we'd be alright then. I wasn't freaked out anymore. We'd find a way out of here, I thought, and wow, why waste time fighting Angel any longer when you could tease him?

I was just glad he was there.

(Of course, when we did find a way out and ended up at the Hyperion again, he kicked Cordy and me out, and I went back to hating him, but that's another story.)

Comments

[the-dead-lady.livejournal.com]

If it isn't the boy wonder. I have a busy week but I can schedule you in for that vivisection mid morning Wednesday if you can clear your schedule.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Thanks, but I've had all the medical attention I need for a while.

There is something which I've been wondering: why zombies? I mean, I know you're dead since I've seen your corpse, and you're fully functional, so if your Senior Partners can do that, why didn't they do it to the staff then? Or are you special?

[the-dead-lady.livejournal.com]

Fully functional.

You're a sweet talker, Connor. Just a regular old chip off the extrodinarily old block.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

So you don't know, either. Must be weird to think you could have ended up as a zombie.

[the-dead-lady.livejournal.com]

No weirder than knowing you could have ended up as a psychopathic killer.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

What makes you think I'm not anyway?

[the-dead-lady.livejournal.com]

Death threats as a form of flirtation. You really are your fathers son.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

You can't threaten the dead, Ms Morgan. Though of course you can flirt with them. Which I'm not doing. Though you're a hot older curvacious brunette and hence my type. If I were single. Which I'm not. It was just an observation.

Does that mean my father used to flirt with you, by the way?

[the-dead-lady.livejournal.com]

You may need to consult your old man on that one. Give him my regards when you do.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

You mean you're too shy to talk with him yourself? Death really has changed you.

[kara-marie.livejournal.com]

That's actually kinda funny. I didn't know you had that sort of humor in you, like anywhere in you. You're usually kinda... you know... lacking in the funny. I figured it was genetic at first, but then, you know Angel is actually pretty hilarious - never intentionally, but, well, in this biz you take what you can get and all. So, then I figured that the whole demon dimension childhood gig had sucked you dry of the funny.

It's good to see it lurks there SOMEWHERE beneath the surface. Even if it takes those flesh eating zombies to bring it out in you.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Oh, it took me until Christmas to find out you had a sense of humour as well, so I guess we're kind of not attuned to that in each other. Plus each time I did attempt a joke long before you-know-what you wrote I was mean and burst into virtual tears.

Anyway, thanks.

>:(

[kara-marie.livejournal.com]

I have a well documented and extensively reported sense of humour! I AM VERY FUNNY!!!!!

FUNNY!

The fact YOU couldn't find my sense of humour just PROVES you were humour DEFICENT!!!

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

If you say so.

So, would you mind if I make an enlarged print of one of those pictures from my recent post and send it to Angel and Darla to hang up in Boston?

[kara-marie.livejournal.com]

I don't think they want a picture of MJ Watson hanging in their house!!!

>:\

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Hm, I don't know. Angel could be a fan. He did go to one of her plays when he was here. So maybe I'll add an MJ picture to the other one when I send it.

[kara-marie.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've all been living the good life while I was off getting seriously injured.

:'-(

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

I think I've made my case about your sense of humor.

[kara-marie.livejournal.com]

When I'm DEAD you'll feel so bad about how mean you were to me, Connor.

You really will.

And I'm glad!!!!!!!!

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

Connor.

I have considered our last conversation. I am in Boston at present, but it seems that I may find myself in New York in a number of days. I have not yet decided how I am getting there, but a number of options have presented themselves to me.

If you remain interested in furthering our acquaintance, it would please me to meet with you. It has been too long since I have spoken with one who understands the ways of a god.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

I would like to meet you, too, and feel honored.

Do you need a place to stay?

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

I... suppose so?

I have not been precisely staying anywhere for the past two years. I am not accustomed to such things. I have never understood why mortals shut themselves up in small rooms.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

It takes some time getting used to, staying in rooms. But in the place where I grew up, everything was out to get you outside, so I was more or less okay with it when I came here.

Anyway, you can stay with Harry and me if you like. He has a penthouse on the top of a skyscraper, with a really great view from the balcony, and you can be outside looking over the city as much as you want. There are also servants, but they are accustomed to mortals, not to a god, so please don't beat them up if they make mistakes.

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

You have servants?

I was under the impression that mortals could not acquire such things.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

I don't, Harry has. It's his place. And mortals can, it's just a matter of money and tradition.

The ones here have been with him ever since he was a child, so they're also like family, in a way.

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

I see.

I had thought perhaps the servants were a result of your status as the father of a goddess.

I should have known that this world does not show regard for such things.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Err, no. Well, when she was al-, - when we all lived in the Hyperion together and people worshipped her, some of them tried to do do that to me, too, because I was her father, like they did to Cordy in her coma, but I didn't like it. I guess you have to be used to it to enjoy it, or be born into it.

But I promise, the staff here are good people who will revere you as you deserve. I mean, Bernard the Butler doesn't look at me as if I'm a cock roach trying to fleece of Harry anymore, so he won't think less of you because you're my guest, plus he should recognize a queen when he sees one!

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

You did not like being worshipped?

You mortals make the least sense of any species I have ever encountered.

But it is all for the best. I have never been friendly with those who would steal my attention.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

No. It freaks me out. Prophecies about me do, too, but that's another subject.

But I know what is to worship someone else. That makes sense to me. I think we mortals need to believe, you know? That there is someone greater who isn't as screwed up as we are and really gets the big picture and tries to fix it.

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

Tries to fix it?

Yes, I suppose that is accurate.

They do not understand that. This world is all wrong now. They do not understand what it could be, if I still had the power to change it. If I seek to detroy what is, it is because I remember what was.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

It's a horrible world. But it also has some parts which are beautiful. And people who are each their own world. And they're so fragile, so if you destroy to create, they can get so easily hurt and destroyed as well.

Sometimes I think what I thought some years ago - that maybe it's worth it. If the world is better afterwards, forever. And then I think how each person has their story, you know? People who love them. And that you can't take that away from them, not even to change the world.

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

But their lives are so short, so small. How can they they be worth sacrificing the dream of something greater.

You would not say such things if you had been alive during my reign. It was glorious.

These humans are so limited, and from what I have tasted of emotion, I do not see how this love that they feel can be worth so very much.

From what I can tell, it hurts, and ruins.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

My father - not Angel, the one who raised me - would agree with you. And yet it was losing those he loved that made him see things this way.

Angel said you came to care for Wesley back then. Would you have sacrificed Wesley to reign again?

I don't know whether love is worth a dream. I just know there was a time when I didn't feel anything anymore, and then I truly wanted to die. When she was dead. Jasmine. And then Angel changed the world for me and gave me a new life, and I still don't know whether that was right or wrong, but I know he did it because he loved me. And I know I don't want to die anymore. So that is something love can do as well.

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

I did sacrifice Wesley in the hopes of reigning again. And all the others, too. They broke time apart, I thought he meant to kill me. It was undone when the time loop resolved itself, but...

He did mean to kill me a number of times prior to that.

This Shell cared for him. If I ever wished to reign again I would have to put such traces of humanity aside.

[ooc: ... aaand the mun shiftily takes note of the fact that she very artfully dodges the actual question. *g*]

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

I meant to kill Angel a couple of times, too. It was what I was raised for. But I didn't. You can change. You can even come to love care for people you hated before. Well, sometimes, and not everyone.

I think if Jasmine had been able to change, just a bit, it would not have been so terrible for her when her strongest power was broken and people turned against her. Maybe that shows you are stronger than she was, and that you can change. Because you lost some of your powers, and your worshippers are gone, too, and yet you have not lost yourself, and you are still alive.

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

Something I think I have lost myself. I do not recognize my own thoughts at times. Humanity has made me something different than what I was.

It has been two years, apparently. But I do not think that adaptation has grown any easier.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

It's hard to figure out who you are, with two different sets of memories. And you must have three, right? If you have both of Fred's. I only have two.

I think it's a cycle. Sometimes it's easier, especially at moments when we're happy and see those we care about being happy, and sometimes we just feel like crap, and then it's almost like starting at ground zero.

But you have reigned over the millennia. Two years must be nothing to you. Just like a second is for us.

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

It felt like very little time, yes. I was surprised to find that it was a long time by mortal reckoning.

I lived a number of lives at once. Existed in several places at a time. Each one different, but still myself. The extra memories are no more disconcerting than that, but...

But there are parts of her consciousness which are alien to me. These human emotions feel different than anything I knew before. And they are not mine, yet somehow, at times, it seems as though they could have been.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Any emotion is real. And if you're feeling them, they're yours, trust me.

There are people whom I know I've never met, but I remember them from a childhood that didn't happen. I remember a pet turtle who dissappeared when I was twelve, only that never happened, either, but I cared for her, and sometimes I still look for her. I don't know whether Veil took some other child's memories or whether he made it up, but now they're mine because I feel them. So whatever you feel now is yours now. Doesn't matter whose they were at first.

Was that something only you could do, existing in several places at the same time? Or could the other Old Ones as well?

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

That is what Winifred said as well, regarding these emotions. Some of these memories never belonged to the Winifred that is here now. It is strange to think that those are mine alone, now.

We all had a variety of different powers. There were others who could do what I did. Not all could, but they had other powers. We were unique, none precisely the same.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

That explains Emily as a part of Jasmine.

If you are the only one who has some of those memories, they're even more important. Like the world as you knew it to be. As long as you remember, it lives with you.

Like Mom and Dad and Mere live with me.

When will you be here? And do you need the address or a description?

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

A few days from now, I think. I will leave you a message before I depart. I am still in the process of arranging transportation.

And yes, the location would be helpful as I do not think that Wesley was precisely aware that you were even in New York to begin with, and though Lilah may know these things, I have not yet decided whether or not I require her continued assistance.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Last time Lilah offered to assist me she also tried to have me vivisected, so I'm prejudiced when I say you're better off without her help, I guess.

About transportation: I usually take the train when I'm in Boston - it's not very far, plus as a college student I think we should support the public transport system, but Harry also has a jet and a really good pilot. I suppose he could pick you up.

Location: it's *insert fictional address and description*

[perfectblue.livejournal.com]

I intend to avoid flying vehicles in the future. The last one was awful. Flying was not meant to be done in such a manner.

Wesley has offered to drive me to your city. I may accept his offer since I am trying to discern whether or not he is the real Wesley and not a clone of some sort since it seems a suitable opportunity to demand further explanation of how he came to be no longer dead become better acquainted with him now that he is to resume his function as my guide.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Got it.

Okay, then just tell me when you'll be there. Also, tell Wesley he can park in the garage below the building. Because the parking situation here on the streets sucks. Sorry, that's just mortal trivial stuff, but he'll probably want to know.

Good luck with the getting better aquainted. I think he only said about two sentences to me through the entire year I was around in L.A., but I figure that was because of how I was the reason his life sucked and he was the reason mine did.