Father (private entry)

[abetterlie]

So, this saying about being careful what you wish for? Turns out to be true. It's either one of the best things or one of the worst that happened to me, but: my father is back.

I used to pray for that. Especially once I figured out that returning from the dead is something of a regular trick in this dimension. I thought that it was so unfair that Darla got second chances, and Angel, and I, but he didn't. Ever since we got to Utah, Justine and I kept talking about him and wondering what he would do or say, if only he were alive. And now he is, again, and one minute I'm so happy I could hug everyone from Justine's annoying mother who thinks I'm a freak to Tucker "Now I'm going to completely weird you out by proving I'm capable of sensible conversation" Wells, and the next I feel like asking for another mindwipe.

Because. Justine. I haven't told her he's back yet, but I have to, or she'll find out by herself and think I tried to keep it from her. And when we started this journey, we said no more lies. Secrets are the worst kind of lies, sometimes. I know. But she'll find out, and then - I honestly don't know what she's going to do then. Maybe it'll be like with Cordy and Angel. I mean, she never said so, but I'm not stupid. (Most of the times.) I know she was in love with him. So if she is already ashamed of being with me after seeing her parents again, guess what she'll feel once she finds out he's alive?

Or. Or she's not ashamed, but she tells me that her and me was just something that happened because we were both missing him and alone with each other and seriously screwed up, and that it's over now.

I'll be twenty next week. I think (I should ask him; Fred did a calculation about my age, trying to figure out how time passed on Quortoth in relation to how it does here, but she said it couldn't be more than an estimation). Well, Connor Riley definitely is going to be twenty, but his birthday isn't the day Stephen was born. (That's something I did find out when I did some calculations of my own.) And I promised my parents - the Rileys - I promised them I'd be back for the birthday at least. I thought I'd introduce Justine to them. (And they were so not going to be freaked. They're way more mature than hers.) So you'd think that's old enough to accept if a woman dumps you. Because she will. I just know she will.

And speaking of my parents. The Rileys. They'd get Justine, I'm sure they would, but there is no way in hell I could explain about Father. Unless I tell them the truth. And then they'd either think I'm mad and put me in the kind of nuthouse the police had Justine imprisoned hin when they thought she'd killed me, or they believe me and know I'm not really their son and the cause for them getting a brainwashing, and they'll hate me forever. Plus they still wouldn't understand about Father. They'd be like Todd-the-know-it-all, telling me he was just using me and incapable of love and so on and so forth. (That's what pretty much everyone of Angel's friends think, too, but then, they would. They don't know him, not really. I lived with him for at least seventeen years, and I do.)

And that's not mentioning the fact I met Angel again, the other night, before I found out that my father Holtz was back, here in Utah. He said he was just passing through. Right. Whenever I meet one of my biological parents, someone tries to kill either them or me, so I'm still waiting for that.

(I'm really trying not to think this, but Jasmine would make everything easier. Becuase you know, I could handle living in the Hyperion with the Rileys and my father and Justine and Angel. If they loved each other and me, the way people did when Jasmine was around.)

(Only that was a lie, too, because they rather wanted the pain and the hate, and anyway, I know, I know, she was eating people. It's bad to want any of that back. I know.)

(I still do.)

So I still don't have any idea what I'm going to say to Justine, or what I'll do once I'm back in Los Angeles. Other than find a place to live other than campus, because he shouldn't be in a crappy motel, not like the last time. He should have a good room, with a fireplace, the kind he described when he was telling me about what England was like. And I'll be there, and I'll get it right this time. He won't kill himself again. We'll hunt the other vampires and demons together, the ones I'm not related to. Maybe he'll even give university life a try; I bet he'd enjoy Stanford, and he knows more Latin than most of the professors there.

Except: if Justine dumps me, and then wants to live with him as well - I don't think I could do that. Not again. It was bad enough living in the Hyperion with Cordy and Angel at the same time, before she told me she was pregnant.

I could really use some advice now. But I can't ask Fred or Cordy because they hate him for saving abducting saving taking me, and aren't keen on Justine for the same reason, and I know exactly what my mother Darla other people would say.

I'm starting to think Kara had the right idea about gettting into a coma. Though I was really sorry to hear that. I was hoping that I was wrong about the possession thing.

Comments

[livingtwin.livejournal.com]

Justine has had about as much of the family reunion as she can stand. She's already packed her bag when her father knocks on the door. She kicks the bag under the bed, but she didn't need to bother, he knew she was leaving.

"I was thinking pizza for dinner." He says to her. Pizza was always his peace offering. His peace offerings were usually on behalf of her mother who never even realised that peace was being negotiated. Justine knew.

"Yeah, okay."

Then he hands her the cheque.

"It's from Julia's - " He shrugs. "Don't tell your mother."

She doesn't know how to respond to that.

"I'll tell Stephen we're eating out." She says. And then she hugs him and he sees a ghost in front of him, not Julia's ghost. Justine's.

"In the foyer in an hour."

And Justine goes and knocks on Stephen's door.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Connor hasn't got in the way of luggage, thought the police has returned what they thought was evidence, i.e. his belongings from the motel where he and Justine had been staying. What he has, he has packed, though. Right now, he's sitting on the bed, holding the one and only letter he has of Daniel Holtz in the hand. When Justine knocks, he makes his decision. He has to tell her.

"Come in, it's open,"

he says.

[livingtwin.livejournal.com]

"Pizza for dinner." She says. And she's still holding her own news, her cheque.

"Dad hates pizza." And it's important for Stephen to know that even if he can't appreciate the significance.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

In all other circumstances, he'd gotten it. The importance of her father offering a shared dinner, and a meal with something he doesn't like to boot. But now he's too shaken, too much between joy and fear, to concentrate. He also doesn't think Justine would care for being treated like a child and being asked to sit down first, so he rises, and just blurts it out.

"He's back, Justine. He's alive again, and he's there, and it really is him. He's back."

He doesn't specify the "he". There has always been only one "he" for the two of them, and it wasn't Angel, or Wesley.

[livingtwin.livejournal.com]

He is answered with complete silence as she sits down on the bed. It isn't joy that she feels, it's fear. And then following it comes the thought -

And he hasn't tried to contact you. Does he know?

Her hand is still in the air, holding the cheque, as if she was frozen mid gesture.

Or does he just not care?

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

He has never seen her that way. Not even when he shattered the window, or when he found her in the hospital. Then she had stared at him, but not like this.

"He doesn't know who brought him back, or why. He didn't even know which year it was until I told him,"

Connor says, because that's a safe thing to say, and he doesn't know what to make of her utter silence.

"It must have happened only yesterday, and he doesn't... he doesn't know."

And there it is. Suddenly all his angry declarations about how there was no reason why they should be ashamed, why her mother should be, ring hollow. He wishes he could retreat into the ignorance that was his before, when Angelus had taunted him about Greek plays. But he has Connor Riley's memories now was well, and Connor Riley does know.

[livingtwin.livejournal.com]

There are a million things she could say and she can't say any of them. Suddenly she can see herself in Daniel's eyes and -

"I need a drink."

That about sums it up.

No. No it doesn't.

"I need a fucking drink."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

This being a better class of hotel since Justine's parents are paying, it has a minibar. Connor silently goes to it, gets vodka out (because it's the next thing he can grab, and his own hands a shaking a bit), opens it and hands it to her. Still silent. Then goes back to the minibar to get out another thing to drink himself, but this is Utah, and so the rest of the drinks aren't alcoholic. So he ends up with some water. Which doesn't help.

He sits down next to Justine, not on the bed, though, but on the floor.

[livingtwin.livejournal.com]

It isn't nearly enough and definitely not enough to share.

"Did he - "

Ask about me? Mention me?

"You spoke to him. Did you -"

She hands Stephen the cheque.

"We're liquid."

And it is still a "we". That's something.

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Taking the cheque, he notices the "we" and takes it as an encouraging sign. Sort of.

"Let's go to Los Angeles, now,"

he says. "I can tell your father that I got a call from my Dad and I need to go leave immediately. That way, they won't think it's something bad or that they need to worry about you. And we've got our stuff packed anyway."

Then he adds, putting the water down, because he can guess what she's trying to ask,

"He said he shouldn't have left us."

Which is slightly paraphrasing. It was Connor who had used the word "us", but Holtz had confirmed it had been wrong, and hadn't refuted the "us" which of course meant Stephen and Justine. Tentatively, he touches her shoulder.

[livingtwin.livejournal.com]

She flinches when he touches her shoulder. With Holtz being alive everything changes. Stephen knows this. He must know this.

"Us." She repeats. She finds it hard to believe but wants to believe that desperately. And yet, she knew Holtz had never told Stephen of a Utah in which Justine existed. She knew Daniel had cut her out of the imagined history.

"He shouldn't have left us."

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

"That's what he said,"

Connor replies, and draws his hand away. That's the answer, then, and it is what he guessed. He wants to yell at her. He wants to tell her that he loves her and she has never been anything to his father, surely, or Holtz wouldn't have made her kill him. But then Connor knows all too well that he had deliberately tried to make Angel kill him, that last day at the mall, when he wanted to die, and whatever he felt for Angel, it was not indifference.

What he says instead is:

"We don't have to tell him. If you don't want to."

He'd like to believe he's being noble. But in the dark, poisonous place inside, the place that came up with the idea to lock someone under the sea forever, he suddenly thinks: just let her try. Let her try to get him to love her and find out that he doesn't, at least not in the way she wants him to. And then let her be the one who asks. Remember how Angel was after he found out about you and Cordelia? That was an accident, him seeing the two of you kiss, but you could do that again, only this time deliberately. Get her to kiss you, once she's frustrated enough, and arrange it for him to be there. It would serve her right, for being ashamed right now and for dumping you. It would serve him right, for leaving. For wanting vengeance more than you.

The chain of thoughts appalls and horrifies him, and he's disgusted with himself. Mostly. But the dark part, the vicious part, is thrilled. He thinks of Angelus again, and the cellar. Telling him "you are my true father".

I'm better than that, he thinks, and hopes he will be. Hopes he won't do it.

"It's your choice," he says, and means both Justine and himself. He hates the slight tremor in his voice only somewhat less than he loathes himself right now.

[livingtwin.livejournal.com]

"We can't tell him."

And she means it when she says that. She doubts that she could physically form the words required to tell Holtz that. And yet?

Fuck.

She wishes she were that little more drunk. Then this would be easier. But she can still hear the tremor in his voice and it cuts her.

And a voice inside is chiding her. Remember what you want, Justine. Don't get lost in the lie. This is the fantasy, dont go forgetting it.

But she silences the voice. She tells it she wants Stephen on side and that is why she moves closer to him now. Not because she wants to still the tremor in his voice, but because she needs to keep him where she needs him. Not because she wants to comfort him and not because she wants him to comfort her.

And even when she puts her hand on his leg she's telling herself that. She's telling herself to play it cool. To wait and bide her time and not cut him off yet. To wait and see what happens with Holtz.

A bird in the hand?

And she squeezes his leg.

"We'll - we'll work out a way to explain it to him. But we can't just dump it on him. The man had a bad enough time adjusting to polysterene. Let's let him work out drive through before we dump this on him, okay?"

Is worth two in the bush.

And she runs her hand further up, just to be clear on the meaning.

But two in the hand is even better.

"Yeah?"

[abetterlie.livejournal.com]

Women are truly from a different planet. Or maybe from one all too similar to the worst part of yourself, on occasion. So she's not dumping him after all, and she's telling him they'll have a secret affair. That's what it would amount to. For a couple who started with a "no more lies" resolution, this is just the sort of irony his biological parents treasure.

But. Leaving everything else aside, she's actually right. Father will need time to adjust, he thinks, and tells himself that's what this is about, not feeling petty and satisfied about the fact Justine still wants him, not to mention the fact that since Justine and Father arranged for Father's death in order to make him their instrument against Angel, it seems to be just that he and Justine have a secret of their own now.

Unbelievable, Angel's voice tells him.

"Yeah,"

he says, and when he grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her down, he's relieved and desperate and aroused and self-loathing, and not gentle at all.