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Back from the Edge
Oct. 9th, 2005 10:33 amWhen you know that the only part of your behaviour in the last 48 hours you don't feel ashamed of involves lots of cement and an amateurish exorcism, it is a good indication that you feel like the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, unworthy of existence.
It's not exactly the worst day of his life; there are still a lot of better candidates for that, ranging from finding Holtz' dead body to killing Jasmine. But Connor certainly never felt a comparable amount of mortification, guilt and shame over something for which there wasn't anyone to blame, human or demonic, but himself. The flight back to Los Angeles was one long exercise in realisation.
For starters, taking Harry demon-hunting had been a stupid self-indulgence. No matter what arguments he had used with Justine, the unforgiving post-drug headache and clarity told him he hadn't done it to protect anyone, or just to be nice. He had agreed to it for the thrill of sharing something forbidden. Telling himself all the while that things would be kept under control, that no one, except for demons, would be hurt. It was a minor miracle he hadn't managed to get Harry killed through that particular idiocy, and if Justine was ready to kill him for Friday evening alone, he wouldn't blame her.
Of course, Friday evening paled in terms of screwing up when compared with Saturday. For a while, he tried blaming the drug, but that didn't wash. You don't agree to use a drug you've been told lowers all inhibitions and gives you a joyride just because you're curious, especially not if you've seen people nearly die, or actually die - he remembers Sunny and Faith quite well.
You wanted an excuse, says a an inner voice which doesn't sound like Angelus for a change, but does sound a lot like Darla. How pathetic.
Because, yes. Maybe he hadn't spelled it out to himself before. But after what happened at the hiking at the latest, he couldn't kid himself that there wasn't any attraction. And what do you do if you feel attracted to someone and your relationship with your girlfriend has barely recovered from the last crisis and the someone is in a relationship with a girl you regard as a sister, pretty soon to be the only one you'll ever have because you just cut yourself of from the family who doesn't have any murder in the past? Do you stay the hell away and concentrate on fixing your life? No, apparently if you are Connor, you don't walk towards temptation, you rush. Run. Race. Or should that be rave?
Staring out of the window of the jet and remembering the I Never game played here not so long ago with Kara and Harry, Connor forces himself to look at the likely results of, hell, not just the last two days, but of the last two weeks which have been leading up to them.
1.) Kara. About to see Harry in Boston, because if she didn't, she'd get the happy news from Todd Campbell. (Todd, of all the people.) About to feel just as he had done when Justine had come back smelling of another man, and Justine had done that in retaliation of a perceived betrayal, not because. Connor usually switches between liking Kara, being irritated by her and feeling sorry for her because of her own family mess and the fact she got drawn into his, with a healthy dose of envy because Kara manages to live with the two people he can't help but obsess about despite all resolutions to keep away. There might be some competitiveness there as well. But he never wanted her to experience that feeling of betrayal. He did want her to be happy. Now he had managed to entirely fuck up her life.
2.) Justine. If Justine walked out now, he wouldn't blame her. The memory of high-handedly telling her he can't understand how someone could cheat when being in love burns as much as anything. Justine found it so hard to trust people, to let them get close, and she had given him such a present in trusting him. And he had flung it back in her face. The thought occurs that if he disappeared of the face of the planet, she and Father might finally manage to find peace with each other. He was such a dissappointment to either of them. He didn't deserve to breathe the same air.
3.) Harry. Connor is not in love with Harry. At least, he doesn't think so, and can't decide whether that makes the entire screw-up better or worse. But all allure of the forbidden and confusing attraction aside, he likes Harry and hasn't felt friendship for anyone this way. Friends are supposed to help each other, and he damn well knew that Harry needed help, not someone to wreck his life even more with. Harry is truly in love with Kara, and Connor has managed to ruin that for him. Apparantly, you don't have to be soullless to do that to your friends.
By the time he gets out of the plane, into the convertible and back to the apartment, he's wondering whether a bath in acid is good enough for all of this.
It's not exactly the worst day of his life; there are still a lot of better candidates for that, ranging from finding Holtz' dead body to killing Jasmine. But Connor certainly never felt a comparable amount of mortification, guilt and shame over something for which there wasn't anyone to blame, human or demonic, but himself. The flight back to Los Angeles was one long exercise in realisation.
For starters, taking Harry demon-hunting had been a stupid self-indulgence. No matter what arguments he had used with Justine, the unforgiving post-drug headache and clarity told him he hadn't done it to protect anyone, or just to be nice. He had agreed to it for the thrill of sharing something forbidden. Telling himself all the while that things would be kept under control, that no one, except for demons, would be hurt. It was a minor miracle he hadn't managed to get Harry killed through that particular idiocy, and if Justine was ready to kill him for Friday evening alone, he wouldn't blame her.
Of course, Friday evening paled in terms of screwing up when compared with Saturday. For a while, he tried blaming the drug, but that didn't wash. You don't agree to use a drug you've been told lowers all inhibitions and gives you a joyride just because you're curious, especially not if you've seen people nearly die, or actually die - he remembers Sunny and Faith quite well.
You wanted an excuse, says a an inner voice which doesn't sound like Angelus for a change, but does sound a lot like Darla. How pathetic.
Because, yes. Maybe he hadn't spelled it out to himself before. But after what happened at the hiking at the latest, he couldn't kid himself that there wasn't any attraction. And what do you do if you feel attracted to someone and your relationship with your girlfriend has barely recovered from the last crisis and the someone is in a relationship with a girl you regard as a sister, pretty soon to be the only one you'll ever have because you just cut yourself of from the family who doesn't have any murder in the past? Do you stay the hell away and concentrate on fixing your life? No, apparently if you are Connor, you don't walk towards temptation, you rush. Run. Race. Or should that be rave?
Staring out of the window of the jet and remembering the I Never game played here not so long ago with Kara and Harry, Connor forces himself to look at the likely results of, hell, not just the last two days, but of the last two weeks which have been leading up to them.
1.) Kara. About to see Harry in Boston, because if she didn't, she'd get the happy news from Todd Campbell. (Todd, of all the people.) About to feel just as he had done when Justine had come back smelling of another man, and Justine had done that in retaliation of a perceived betrayal, not because. Connor usually switches between liking Kara, being irritated by her and feeling sorry for her because of her own family mess and the fact she got drawn into his, with a healthy dose of envy because Kara manages to live with the two people he can't help but obsess about despite all resolutions to keep away. There might be some competitiveness there as well. But he never wanted her to experience that feeling of betrayal. He did want her to be happy. Now he had managed to entirely fuck up her life.
2.) Justine. If Justine walked out now, he wouldn't blame her. The memory of high-handedly telling her he can't understand how someone could cheat when being in love burns as much as anything. Justine found it so hard to trust people, to let them get close, and she had given him such a present in trusting him. And he had flung it back in her face. The thought occurs that if he disappeared of the face of the planet, she and Father might finally manage to find peace with each other. He was such a dissappointment to either of them. He didn't deserve to breathe the same air.
3.) Harry. Connor is not in love with Harry. At least, he doesn't think so, and can't decide whether that makes the entire screw-up better or worse. But all allure of the forbidden and confusing attraction aside, he likes Harry and hasn't felt friendship for anyone this way. Friends are supposed to help each other, and he damn well knew that Harry needed help, not someone to wreck his life even more with. Harry is truly in love with Kara, and Connor has managed to ruin that for him. Apparantly, you don't have to be soullless to do that to your friends.
By the time he gets out of the plane, into the convertible and back to the apartment, he's wondering whether a bath in acid is good enough for all of this.
